Butt Cleavage, Spandex, and Oprah

((warning: Rant ahead with a high probability of off color language - cover your virgin eyes:P))

I plan on doing a little shopping, and I can already feel the anxiety level build. Why? You ask. Because I'll be shopping for jeans…

I hate my jeans. I have about 30 pairs and I don't feel comfortable wearing 28 of them. They're usually "too" something. Too big, too small, too tight, too loose…etc. Or, as Oprah advises us, the waist can't be too high (how passé') the length can't be too short -heaven forbid someone may actually see your feet. Of course we don't have the help of a stylist named Reggie or a make up artist named Conrad like Oprah. ( or is that the names of her Schnauzers?) Nope, we have to search out the perfect pair on our own. I listened to her and wound up flashing a little butt cleavage in walmart as I reached for my peanut butter pretzels located on the bottom shelf. One good thing I can say, though -who needs a Swiffer floor cleaner when you wear your jeans nice and long. Nothing like giving the illusion of leg length with dust bunnies clinging to the bottom of your pants…

What's up with the manufacturers? Is it a conspiracy to drive the average woman crazy? Why can't they just come up with a standard size? Is it that difficult. Seriously, how freakin' hard can it be? Why must I try on a gazillion pairs before I find a pair that I won't feel too self conscious in? They all use fit models, right? Do their measurements vary that much? By the way, I'd like to see some of these models - especially the ones who were used for the jeans where the pockets seem to be located behind my knee caps. Where is this woman's ass? She definitely has some booty issues. I suggest leg lifts…lots and lots of leg lifts.

However, there is a glimmer of hope…Spandex. God bless the person who thought of putting a touch of spandex in the denim fabric. I'm going to bet that it was a woman :) Genius!!! Before spandex, it was sometimes painful to breathe, let alone move, in a pair of tight fitting jeans - and forget about zipping them up without lying down on a flat surface. Remember those days girls? (I can see you shaking your head in agreement) Yes, as Martha would say "spandex - it's a good thing".

Okay, I'm done… I think I feel better. So, now I'm off to see the wizard, or in this case,the Kohl's jean department. Wish me luck. Today's the day!!!! I can feel it! I WILL find the perfect pair!!!! I WILL find the perfect pair…...